Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
