I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
