I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
