After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
