Im at strip club and am horny
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Randomize
