Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
