Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Princesses don't give blow jobs
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
