I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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