im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
The uberlube is also flammable
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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