Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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