how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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