He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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