His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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