I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Randomize
