I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
