I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Randomize
