She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
