2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
