if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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