I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
