Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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