I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
