proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
