I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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