Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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