My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
