Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
