There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
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