please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
