Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Randomize
