i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
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