Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
