he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I AM VODKA MAN
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
