just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Randomize
