Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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