So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
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Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
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Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
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