Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
