so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
