I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
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