In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
