she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
