I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
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