Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
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