I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Randomize
