God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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