The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
