Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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