Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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