All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
