I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
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I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
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His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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