I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Randomize
