Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
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