So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
