I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
