Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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